I also took out find to remove the repetition of the F sound on the beginning of two words so close together ( fumbled and find). It could be something like Frederick's hand shook slightly as he fumbled for his passport in his vest pocket. You've got shaky and tweed so close together.
I would also prune one or two of the adjectives right in that first sentence. There are many strategies to mix this up-you can invert or change the structure of some of them so the subject is moved away from the beginning, or rather than him being the subject, perhaps the ticket or the train could be the subject of a sentence or two. Each sentence begins with either Frederick or He. I would be careful about using the same kind of sentence structure over and over. What makes the air fowl? What could this mean? Where are these characters and what are they watching for? You don't have to use my example, but if you can dig into a little more detail with stronger descriptors that carry more information than "a light westerly breeze" you could really say a lot in just three sentences.Ĭlick to expand.I like that you're starting on some action and it sets up a question right off the bat. The reason would be that it gives both the wind and Kellan a little more character and creates more curiosity. From the east." Kellan stood with his arms crossed near the edge of an escarpment, grimacing toward the fowl air pushing against his face and into his nostrils." I personally might say something like, "A freak gust of wind. If I may make a suggestion, you could actually shift the focus of the last portion of the last sentence back to Kellan.
I like that you're not narrating it, but your character is noticing it, which makes it a bit more significant and begs the question "why is this important?" Honestly, the weight of this sentence should become more apparent within the next paragraph or so, but I see no immediate need to change it. Many highly successful stories start with a bit of weather. I don't agree that it needs to be more action-oriented. Quite a bit of weather, as pointed out, but I respect that it was intentional.
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